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UKFF Battle Rap 2012: Round 2


Who do you think should advance to the quarter finals?  

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Rules for Round 2:


1. Each rap must consist of 16 lines. No more, no less.


2. Maximum of two raps each.


3. You have until 3:00pm on Saturday 4th February to post. If you post nothing by the deadline, you're out.


4. Voting will commence after the rapping deadline. The cut-off point for votes will be 10:00pm on Wednesday 8th February.


Best of luck, cats.

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Oh fuck, it's JLM

I'll blow you up like Lem

You eat bogies and phlegm

I'll rob you like a junkie would Semi-Chem

I am a lyrical gem


It's JLM, oh fuck.

With a face that looks like it's been hit with a hockey puck

My rhymes are colder than an Alaskan

I'll do a Mary Bale and stick you in a trashcan

Then chew you up like a shark attack

I'm Luis Suarez, and you are a black


Beating you is like shooting fish in a barrel

You're even floppier than Andy Carroll

We in the game call this being "served"

Chun Li called, she said you are a perv

I'll kill your body dead, it won't be preserved




I think my chokehold on the rap game just loosened a little bit. :(

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The least funny poster of two thousand and ten,

With lyrics like that, you might just win again.

A slack jawed yokel combined with Jean Claude,

I'm Simpsons season 7, you're Kickboxer 4.


A second round draw against one of the killers,

I'm the Rumble final four, you're the undercard fillers,

You're a piss soaked box, I'm like luxury villas

Your mum gets more callers than Ernest Miller's


You look a bit run down now, I've carried out some tests,

You left a stool sample here, the blood's from that hole in your chest

Sign here with your initials, oh hold up, wait, no need

Just had a look at your test results and I can clearly CVD.


Shit keeps spewing from your mouth, like some super strain of ebola,

You're not Luis Suarez, he's been sent off, you're knocked out like Angola

I bet to join the PCC, you licked a lot of balls,

On your knees like Houchen's co-stars, you were glad his stones were small.

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Make fun of my name? Wow, those rhymes were bitching!

But what's a JLM, a boyband? Or are you trying to sell me a kitchen?

I laughed at The Cat line though, and calling my mother a whore.

Dog, you just launched the worst comeback since Stan Collymore


You think I give a fuck about awards and how many people hate me?

Bitch, you left your job because you were too scared to moderate me!

This isn't Street Fighter son, put down the pad,

Luxury Villa? No. You're a tent in Baghdad.


And there's no hole in my chest, I'm immortal like Hogan.

You think you can win this? You're as thug as Terry Wogan.

The lack of awareness is astonishing. I'm the midcard filler?

You jumped factions from blue to green, nobody cared. You're worse than Kenny Miller.


I'm not Luis Suarez, I won't pretend these are words I don't mean.

So please, kill yourself. Don't worry about making it clean.

Jump off a roof, or tie a rope around your neck.

This competition's mine. Who's fucking next?

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Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years

Biting lines from LL, yours are more Britney Spears

You don't need moderating, too boring to report

You're like the least exciting telecast in the history of our sport


Your mum has a lot of callers but I never said they paid her

You don't command a very high price when you look like Big Van Vader

JLM is like JML, give yourself a round of applause

Then order yourself a mop for the pile of "rhymes" you just shat on the floor


The gaming gags are missing the mark, how did you get this far?

We'll call round 2 your bonus round, I'm Ryu, you're the car

You need to check your chest again, your diagnosis is wrong

There's two holes in there now 'cos I gave you both barrels like Donkey Kong


So suicide is the answer, and you've given me a choice

Can I hear the options again please? Loki's balls drowned out your voice

The problem for you is this though: No matter what method I choose

Even if I killed myself you'd still go and fucking lose

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