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PILE ON! PILE ON!


Devon Malcolm

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Any special memories? Not ones you necessarily participated in, but ones that you saw.

 

Two stand out for me. One was when I was in junior school and Jerred Thompson had a tasty brawl with Jeffrey Wood over a disputed throw-in. Wood won this one by virtue of nearly strangling Thompson. The best part of this fight was when Thompson farted during it. He was a scruffy twat. He once shit himself in our front garden and ran home crying.

 

Another one was when I was in the sixth form. I was stood next to David Bouchard and he was mouthing off about how hated Dominic Stansfield (nephew of Lisa Stansfield, fact fans). What was remarkable about this one is that Stansfield was standing at practically the other end of the field when he made these comments so how he heard them, I don't know.

 

Over Bouchard's left shoulder I suddenly saw Stansfield charging towards him from the other end of the field. He didn't look too happy. Casually stepping out of the way, Stansfield launched himself into a drop-kick that shits on anything Hardcore Holly could do, catching Bouchard smack in the back of the head, before the usual pile-on resulted.

 

Good stuff.

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There's one that sticks out for me too. So there was this guy I'm friends with, called Hywel Gareth Davies. He didn't like his first name so he wanted to be called Gareth, ensuring a sure fire way to antagonize and wind him up. One day another group I was friends with were teasing him, in particular a bloke called Kelvin, a dirt poor snivelling type that had his sole haircut for the year as a treat on his birthday. Kelvin was showing off in front of the other, cooler guys, mocking Gareth by calling him Hywel. Kelvin bent over to tie his shoe laces, still winding Gareth up, until Gareth took a run up, booting Kelvin straight in the face with an almighty thud.

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When it was raining & we weren't allowed out at lunch we used to play 'pinball' with the first years. It consisted of about 6 lads lined up on each side of the corridor & when a small child braved walking past, the first person in the line would push him across to the other person & so forth pinging the poor little mite back & forward until he reached the end of the row. One lad got really carried away though, grabbed a kid by his rucksack & just flung him down the corridor & the kid broke his wrist. Looking back it was cruel as shit but at the time it was awesome.

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One boring early summer afternoon, two lads from the year bellow (who's names escape me) were having what was arguably the worst fight I've ever seen; their work rate was poor, far too many headlocks and not a single false finish. Anyways, after about 4 minutes of Diva's match like heat people started walking away. But then the greatest bit of bullying I've ever seen. Philly out of our year who was a bit of a hard cunt (special needs classes etc.) seemingly frustrated at the lack of action jumps in and gives the pair of them an absolute kicking, we're talking squash match stuff. After about a minute of fast paced brutal action someone intervened and broke it up, probably out of sympathy for the two original participants who then proceeded to help each other hobble to the office.

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School fights were wicked (2 kids can't really hurt each other that much I guess)

 

I was never, ever a bully but I was a big bastard so I used to get involved in scraps all the time, I remember once retaliating to an attack by punching the guy in the throat, then when he fell to his knees -kicking him in the forehead with the heel of the cowboy boots I stupidly wore when I was 11. Good times.

 

Once some wanker ruined the fun of a snowball fight by putting rocks in his snowballs, he split a girl's eyebrow with one so I grabbed him by the collar and shouted at him then pushed him over. I was pretty pleased with my heroics until later in the day when his terrifying hare-lipped, leather jacket wearing big brother from a few years above us beat the absolute shit out of me.

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We went through a phase of having Friday night fights. We'd all traipse up the road behind the local houses to see the fights. One week if was all over the school that the two hardest lads in our year were fighting. I can't remember either name but one was a good amateur boxer and the other (Wayne something) was a champion Kickboxer, champion of Yorkshire at U16 or something. Anyway, nearly the whole year turned out and waited but they didn't show. As we wandered back to school, the half empty school buses all went past with those two smiling and waving out of the window at us.

 

We had to get the normal bus that didn't take our pass and pay double. Or if you only had your fare, you were walking home. Ordinarily, you'd give them a bit of a kick-in but strangely in this instance, no-one fancied trying.

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I remember when I was in the first year of high school, there was an infamous gang of black lads in the fifth year who had reputations as "gangstas" which ofcourse were played up by themselves. One Friday afternoon when everyone was leaving a sixth former got into his car and as he started to pull out one of these guys thought he'd try and look cool and booted his side door as hard as he could. His mates all laughed and cheered and the rest of the school watched to see what would happen. A paticularly average looking sixth former got out of his car and screamed "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" and walked over to him and knocked seven shades of shit out of him while his friends stood watching terrified. It took him slamming the guys head against his car door before the teachers finally came over and politely asked him to stop.

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When I was in second year, I recall a fight between Scott Nelson (my best mate at the time) and my Summerslam 88 video.

 

I remember we were having a load of guys doing a royal rumble carry on when Scott went into my bag, took out the video, placed it standing up on the grass and proceeded to punt it about 20 feet across the grass. I was mightily pissed. Luckily only the video spine was broke so a replacement spine was fitted but gone was the silver vision blue authenticity spin!

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I remember Mark Cherry, an unassuming lad with a bit of a clownish side, showing he had something of the eye of the tiger once. I don't know how it happened but he ended up brawling with one of the cool kids, who presumably had started on him since the whole cohort was in attendance. The fight went to the ground before the antagonist let out a terrifying scream, his hands leaving Cherry's body and heading southwards with urgency. The attendees all stood open mouthed as we noticed at the same time that Cherry had both the other kid's balls in his hands and was twisting them through 90 degrees. The fight came to a natural conclusion within a couple of seconds, the bully lying in the foetal position whilst Cherry dusted himself off. As I nodded at him he responded with a few self-explanatory words: "Two-ball screwball."

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In Juniors we were split into two form classes and there was always a bit of a rivalry between the two forms seems as most members of my form had completely different personalities and due to the setup of our school their classes took place across the road by the school playing fields and later on the sports hall. Now that I think of it, their form was mostly full of rugby boys and the clever swotty kids whilst our form was full of idiots, troublemakers and wasters generally. Anyway, once a month or so there'd always be a big rounders game between the forms and as you'd imagine it was pretty serious business and lots of our form always felt like they were going to war in enemy territory when it was rounders time.

 

So, this one time tempers really flared and there was a lot of anger from both sides which ended up in a massive brawl between the two teams. There was always a bit of pushing, shoving and general big-boy arguments in all the games but this was different; this was a blood bath. To call it the schools version of War Games is not an over reaction at all. There were bats being used as weapons, bleeding noses, bruised body parts. It went down in school folklore but there were punishments too. Both forms had break-time detentions for a month and the inter-form rounders fixture was cancelled until further notice, and we were banned from going into enemy territory for a set amount of time too unless we were escorted by a teacher.

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