What Is The Biggest Lie You've Ever Been Told

[Glen Quagmire]

For some strange reason, people don't tend to tell whopping lies to me. The following story is probably the reason. I left a grammar school one year into my A-Levels as I felt it wasn't the way for me to go and that September I started a National Diploma at the local technical college. Anyway there was this guy whom I got to know during sixth form whom in my first few days at the tech told me at the bus depot whilst I was walking on that he was also leaving school to do the same course as me, and said that I would see him there later in the day. He was taking the piss though. The next morning I got off the bus, the guy had his back turned to me talking to someone else and I decided there and then to give him probably the biggest boot up the hole that I've ever given anyone with the toe pointing right up. No retaliation from him or any of his clique, he just got the message. That is, I don't like liars. I don't mind practical jokes, but I loathe liars. If you're going to be a compulsive liar, it's best not to be around me often.

 

The worst one I've heard and seen myself was living in halls at university where one of the men there bragged about this one night stand and how he even managed to do this woman up the arse. The day after he found out that this woman was born male and had a sex change operation about 18 months previously!

[Dr.PeterVenkman]

Then there was another time he was shagging a model in a field, but it turns out the model had a pretty dangerous ex. This ex was loaded though, so he flew his helicopter over the field and started shooting at him with a sniper rifle. Luckily he managed to dodge and outrun the bullets and the helicopter respectively. Not sure what came of the model.

 

Christ that just had me in tears!

 

Mine's also a lad from school, I still take the piss out of him for it to this day, which to be fair he takes in good spirit

 

Basically his brother who was a few years older than us so about 14/15 bought a moped off some dodgy lad who offered to "turbo charge" it for an extra fiver, apparently the first time his brother went out on it he lost control and ended up on the local grammar school field, somehow ended up 60 feet in the air and managed to jump over one of the grammar school buildings, thankfully he survived because he landed on a bin

 

Best bit was his insistence that the police turned up seconds later but he escaped because he managed to kick start the moped and ride away

 

When we all started pissing ourselves at him talking such obvious bollocks he told us to fuck off and stormed off shouting that we knew fuck all about mopeds

[Kata Ha Jime]

I've had the "I'm dying/been raped/talk to me" shit off of one girl who has since apologized and grown up a fair bit.

 

A massive lie (my opinion) being told at the minute is from my girlfriends sister. Now, I'l let you in on some backstory. Apparently when my girlfriends sister was younger she was raped, so as revenge cut the guys breaks and that killed him, and now it's a big dark secret.

"Bullshit" I hear you cry.

Well heres another. We have a club here, it's a hole, it really is. The reason I bring that up is she was apparently given a needle in the back there. Just never reported it.

Another is she was being attacked (whilst pregnant) and smashed the muggers head on a toilet.

Etc etc.

 

Bringing us to now. See, I'm skeptical of everything she says because of these stories. Last year she began making up the story she was Bi Polar, by diagnosing her self, via the internet.

My first bullshit call.

This has now gone further. She under went "treatment" and took medication and had to convinve Doctors that she was Bi Polar after reading up on it and because she watched Stephen Fry's series. As far as I know, no Doctor has confirmed that she has an illness. She goes to therapy, then does nothing at all for the rest of the day. However, even though no proof has come about, I am seen as harsh for not believing her, and that I find it ricokulous that everyone drops everything if she has a problem.

Big example - She got engaged to a decent guy, still is. However, very shortly after she started sleeping with an 18 year old. Someone I knew, and knew was a cunt. But she saw a different side to him, and couldn't be blamed because she was "ill". Now this went on for quite a bit, until she "forced herself" to stop seeing him, later finding out he had a girlfriend. I found that funny, harsh, but deserved.

Now the latest one was brilliant. She went out with a friend to the local pub. Got drunk, came home, threw up and passed out. You can all guess the diagnoses right? Too much alcohol? No food? Hot day? Yeah you guessed it, because she had her drink spiked. And everyone believes her.

 

I don't get it. At all.

[Surf Digby]

My ex-girlfriend's Mum rang her one night from town to say her drink had been spiked and that was in a right state. Girlfriend in tears, me driving over to the next town to try and find her, etc..

 

Once she was in the car, the symptoms cleared up very quickly. Turns out that she was just having a shit night and didn't fancy queueing at the taxi rank to get home.

[King Pitcos]

I used to tell a fair bit of bullshit at school (I was training to be a wrestler, I delivered weed as a part-time job, I'd been to music festivals, other such bollocks) but there was one lad in our year who took the cake. He was full-on special needs, and had been balding since the age of ten. But somehow, he was in a boy band that was really famous everywhere except Birmingham and he'd often come into school after playing gigs in Newcastle the night before. I think he was one of them that cut pictures out of magazines and pretended they were of his girlfriend. He got kicked out of sixth form after a couple of weeks for being too retarded to even do the div-kid GNVQ he was on, but during that time the cool kids took the piss out of him something rotten. They even got him to bring in a folder of his band's lyrics at one point.

[fleischmark]

For some strange reason, people don't tend to tell whopping lies to me. The following story is probably the reason. I left a grammar school one year into my A-Levels as I felt it wasn't the way for me to go and that September I started a National Diploma at the local technical college. Anyway there was this guy whom I got to know during sixth form whom in my first few days at the tech told me at the bus depot whilst I was walking on that he was also leaving school to do the same course as me, and said that I would see him there later in the day. He was taking the piss though. The next morning I got off the bus, the guy had his back turned to me talking to someone else and I decided there and then to give him probably the biggest boot up the hole that I've ever given anyone with the toe pointing right up. No retaliation from him or any of his clique, he just got the message. That is, I don't like liars. I don't mind practical jokes, but I loathe liars. If you're going to be a compulsive liar, it's best not to be around me often.

 

No one going to take this?

[fugaziuk]

Now the latest one was brilliant. She went out with a friend to the local pub. Got drunk, came home, threw up and passed out. You can all guess the diagnoses right? Too much alcohol? No food? Hot day? Yeah you guessed it, because she had her drink spiked. And everyone believes her.

That one used to crop up at uni all the time - every mon night you would be guaranteed one of the lasses off our course would drink too many ' 2 for one cocktails' and the day after they would be claiming there drink was spiked after everyone told them their antics in the nightclub would make Courtney Love blush. Me and my mates figured whoever this person was spiking girls drinks every week must have been the worst date raper in history since they all managed to make it home safe and sound!

[WWFChilli]

For some strange reason, people don't tend to tell whopping lies to me. The following story is probably the reason. I left a grammar school one year into my A-Levels as I felt it wasn't the way for me to go and that September I started a National Diploma at the local technical college. Anyway there was this guy whom I got to know during sixth form whom in my first few days at the tech told me at the bus depot whilst I was walking on that he was also leaving school to do the same course as me, and said that I would see him there later in the day. He was taking the piss though. The next morning I got off the bus, the guy had his back turned to me talking to someone else and I decided there and then to give him probably the biggest boot up the hole that I've ever given anyone with the toe pointing right up. No retaliation from him or any of his clique, he just got the message. That is, I don't like liars. I don't mind practical jokes, but I loathe liars. If you're going to be a compulsive liar, it's best not to be around me often.

No one going to take this?

Clearly not, someone needs to give the 'Egg' a call.

[Barrington]

I have a friend who still to this day tells stupid lies. He said he was on the underground and had his earphones in, music blasting away. he said "some chinese lady asked me to turn my music down, so I said 'fuck off you bitch I'll cut your fucking throat". Now whenever he tells these sorts of lies my friend Ash chimes in with "Right ok, so what did she say to that?" and because he doesnt think that far ahead, he usually replies with "What? oh...uh.., she just.. mumbled something and got off the next stop" so We ask "And nobody said anything to you threatening this innocent woman? And also if she's getting off the enxt stop why would she be bothered about your music?" He gets all tangled up and brushes it aside. We always just look at eachother and roll our eyes. Then days later we said he had been reported to crime watch. He didnt believe us but we text him individually and said "Oh shit man just seen you on crime watch. A man who threatened to kill a defenceless woman because she asked him to turn his music down". He actually believed us after a while.Another awesome one was he was apparently fucking this girl from his work. Our friend Ash got a job with Alex and conveniently when Ash asked where she was, as he wanted to say hello, she'd been moved to tee side for some reason. Then a few years later (which would be a few years ago) he was telling us that he fucked her in the toilets in the August of 05 and Ash said "Really because thats when I was there, but she'd been moved to tee side? How did that happen?" Again more tongue tnagled lies spewed out. Another one was he got a blow job off some fit girl he was shagging, yes another one, in the shower room. We asked how this occured and he said "We were filing and she said 'oh come into the shower room' and she sucked me off". Then he went on to explain that theres a shower room right next to the filing bit. My reply was simply, "Yeah because if the water floods out the files will still be safe, great planning there". We all ripped into him and Ash said "Why was it when I worked there there was no shower next to our filing bit?" To whichhe replied "Thats your building, in our building there is" we all pissed ourselves laughing and Ash added "Oh yeah yours is the VIP bit thats why you got blowjob accessible shower rooms, good one".Another one was Ash and Alex (the previously mentioned liar) were on holiday and this Hayley (shower room bj girl) was txing him, he was asking her to google flights home as they feared due to the ash cloud, they'd be stuck in crete. Then heard nothing. When Ash told him to message again, he said "I dont wanna be a pain, I'll text katie(his ex) instead." But if "Hayley's" already offered to help why not carry on asking her? When Ash used his phone he checked Hayley's number, it was his ex girlfriends number. Ash said he has neevr felt so embarrased for someone. Then Alex spun me some bullshit about how he fucked some milf they met who was out there with her boyfriend and child. He said they went into town together leaving Ash with the fella. i asked Ash and he said they were never alone together, they sat as a group afterthey got chatting, then Ash and Alex left to go into town!That's just a sample, I'll probably think of more soon

[neil is brill]

Thought I'd bump this thread after a chance meeting with an old college friend which lead to a conversation about a lad who couldn't stop chatting absolute nonsense. If there was a Pulitzer prize for bullshit, then this guy would be a multiple winner.

 

Back in 2001 after taking a year out after High School, I started going to College in Luton. As you do, I made friends with quite a few people, including Billy Bullshit. He span me a few lines from the very start, reckoned he was related to Jeff Jarrett, that he had his Grandfathers Kuri knife that the Gurkhas gave him in Burma as a gift because he was such a good soldier, and that it had seen "over a hundred Jap heads". I eventually saw this "knife" which appeared to be a rusty corkscrew. By this time the story had changed to it being a Desert Rat knife.

 

Later he told us that his Grandfather was also simultaneously in both Pacific and European theatres, he was the first allied soldier on the ground during the liberation of Rome AND on D-Day. When challenged on the fact that Rome falling and D-Day happened within 24 hours hours he rememberd that his grandfather had gone against orders and just "borrowed a C-47 to get back for Overlord".

 

This was a mere starter course in the bullshit gastronomy. Billy Bullshit was also part of a gang that ran Luton's Farley Hill area. Nothing happened "on the Hill" without this crew signing it off; infact mere pedestrians couldn't even enter the area without passing through the "stop and search". Billy Bullshit was the loyal bodyguard for the "Godfathers" son Ricardo who, when not at college, carried two silver plated 9mm handguns at all times - apart from all those times my friends and I saw him outside of College.

 

Billy Bullshit said he was involved in numerous acts of gang violence, interrogating people, battering people, blowing shit up, all of this had left him with a "thousand yard stare". This guy seems to forget that I went to Primary School with him, and as a result I pointed out this Ricardo fellow to everyone else one day in College. When Billy Bullshit was asked why Ricardo, who was about as gangster as a packet of Quavers, didn't even acknowledge him, he told us it was because of gang law, and he was a covert bodyguard.

 

He kept this nonsense up for months. One day, when my friends and I, including Billy Bullshit, were hanging out in Marsh Farm, Billy gets a phone call from this "Godfather" telling him that Farley Hill had just gone to war with, you guessed it, Marsh Farm. Billy was now trapped behind enemy lines! Luckily for us, even though we were 13 floors up in the high rise flats and it was night time, Billy spotted his opposite number from the Marsh Farm gang out of the window. Billy smoked a "last cigarette" with us and was actually crying because "This is it, there aint no coming back", before going downstairs to face off against his enemy.

 

My friends and I watched from the window in hysterics, Billy was standing around for 10 minutes, smoking, and rubbing his hands together to keep warm before coming back to tell us that he had just negotiated a settlement with Marsh Farm that had averted the war... My hero!

 

Ten years later, Billy is about 30 stone, wears the same jogging bottoms and black hoodie combo that he wore in 2001, still lives at home with his parents, and when he isn't out at "LARP" events dressed up as some kind of Orc, he works part time at a student bar in Luton Town Centre. Proper O.G Y'all!

[PepperPlunge]

I was seeing a girl a couple of years ago after talking to her on MSN. She was a friend of a friend and had decided to talk to me on MSN for some reason.

 

Anyway, after meeting her I didn't really fancy her. She was a nice enough girl amd very smart but for whatever reason I weren't into her. One time she'd arranged for us to meet and I'd forgotten about it. I'd invited my mate over instead. I was under the impression that I was supposed to be meeting her at the bus stop in her town an hour's bus ride away. I couldn't be fucked to travel all that way to see someone I weren't really bothered about. I felt very guilty though as her bus stop was about an hour's walk from her house as it was in a village.

 

She texted me asking where I was and I asked my mate for ways to get around the situation. Eventually, I concluded that the best solution would be to tell her that my mate had come over to tell me the good news that he'd just proposed and it'd beeb accepted. It was a strong enough excuse to forget all about travelling an hour to see her. When I texted her that, she replied telling me that she was at the bus stop in MY town - a five minute walk from mine. With me forgetting that we were even supposed to meet, I'd obviously managed to forget where we were supposed to meet. She said she'd come over to mine to meet me. So I spent the day with my mate and her pretending that we were celebrating his engagement.

 

When she got back, he managed to add her on Facebook and MSN and tried to pick up the scraps I'd left and told her I was conpletely bullshitting her. I continued to be a cunt and play around with her feelings before she ended it. I remember thinking 'thank fuck' when she decided to end it. I still feel bad about it though but we still talk from time to time.

[Sergio Bellend]

One of my mates at school who was in to wrestling used to be full of so much bullshit it was unbelievable. One of the earliest (which was probably in about year 8) was that he was a distant cousin of the Undertaker. Then a year or so later he said he had front row tickets for Wrestlemania, which was conveniently during the easter holidays. Apparently when he was there, they let everyone with front row tickets in to the ring afterwards where they got to mess about in the ring (bounce off the ropes, climb the turnbuckle etc.)

 

The last one he told me was in about Year 10, when he said he went to some WWE Academy training school in Coventry every weekend where William Regal was the head trainer. One of our other mates used to badger him for ages about whether he could come along and join in, to which this bullshitter said something like how it was closed entry, and they only invited people in after trials. This was the final nail in the coffin that it wasn't genuine, so me and this other lad Gary googled 'wrestling schools in Coventry', checked the venue and worked out the one we thought he went to-turns out Majik was running it. This one Saturday, Gary pops along and surprises him by turning up. He then asks really loud before the start why William regal isn't there to which the bs'er says something like Regal has just stopped doing the coaching because all the flights across the Atlantic are too much for him. Apparently he gets really embarassed, and the rest of the kids start giving him funny looks. And he was shit at wrestling as well. He was really sheepish at school come the Monday, and tried to avoid us for a few days.

 

Another weird one (not particularly big, but a bit odd) was back at uni, when a few of us from my course were on a night out, and we asked this lad if he wanted to come. He said he couldn't because he was going to the football at Old Trafford for the late Saturday match and wouldn't be back till really late. Understandable, we think, thats the end of it and we go out.

 

The next morning my facebook news feed was full of his pretty much running commentary of the previous nights Eurovision Song Contest.

[Max Power]

There's a bloke on at my cricket club who is a serial liar, his name is Nigel. He's funny though, in an unfunny way. Highlights of his include:

 

- When he was younger he had trials with West Ham. He was in the same trial match as Frank Lampard. Nigel is 41. Frank Lampard is 32(ish). We asked him what age group and he said it was under 15s. We then asked him why a 7 year old Frank Lampard was trialling with the under 15s. He said it was because he was very good for his age. Obviously.

 

- He knows Frankie Dettori. This was brilliant. One of my other friends dad (who is a non liar) actually does know Frankie, decided to call him. My other friends dad used to be a jockey, but he lost an arm in a stalls accident. He rang Dettori up to ask for a tip for the weekend, and asked if he knew Nigel. Hilarious response. Nigel says that Frankie must have a bad memory.

 

- His best though, ended up been on TV. Nobody saw Nigel for a few weeks and we wondered where he'd gone. He told us he'd got a job down South and met a woman. Then he turned up, on a Thursday evening on Police Interceptors. I shit you not. the reason we'd not seem him is that he was doing communtiy service in Kent. He'd got caught by Kent police for driving without insurance, and currently been banned anyway for 18 months for drink driving. The silly bastard was actually on Police fucking Interceptors on Channel 5.

[spotlightmagnet1]

The one which hurt the most to me was when my best friend told me the girl I was crazy about fancied me. I was about 15 and she was well out of my league, but like a sap I went for it. I got horribly shot down and humilated in front of all her friends. I went straight round to my friends locker and intended to slap seven shades of piss out of him. Told him what happened and he became a hero to his cooler friends. When I clenched my fist immediately this guy turned and ran and all the cooler friends told me it was my fault for not getting the joke. Fucking pricks.

 

Also there were several in uni from a girl I was in halls with. Explained this in another thread but can't remember which one. Basically she didn't like me and use to say horrible things about me behind my back all the time which all the girls believed. I know she started saying things about me being drunk and shouting abuse at her over the weekend, luckily my friend pointed out I went home for the weekend and he was back before me. She soon got found out when she talked shit about one of the girl's new boyfriend but by then the girls had parted ways with me apart from the odd text. Suited me fine.

[neil's bitch]

A girl i used to work with starting telling everybody that a guy she slept with from the office (a good friend of mine) sold her drugs when they got together. This was whilst said friend was away, and i got directly asked if i knew anything about him being a drug dealer by our big boss. This happend because he was on holiday, so he nearly lost his job whilst he was off in spain. A year or so later, she sleeps with another office guy , who she says exactley the same thing about......She got fired the second time.

 

When "The Mask" Came out and the cartoon was on TV also, i was a young lad at school. I was a huge fan of the cartoon and film, and a friend of mine told me about loads of rediculas mask related things you could buy, and that he was going to buy me them for my birthday. Needless to say these things didnt exist (at the time at least) and i didnt get anything at all from him. I was gutted