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The Second UKFF Celebrity Twatlist: THE COUNTDOWN


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Zach Braff ("the single most unlikeable actor I think I've ever seen. From his cancerous turn in Scrubs as the vile JD to his disgusting disease-ridden Generation X-aping Garden State to pretty much anything he ever gets involved in, the mutant taints the very celluloid that captures him. A loathsome creature, worthy of nothing." - Mr. Seven).

 

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Hmm, hit and miss list so far for me. 3 actual twats (Gervais, Gallagher and Cowell) and 2 amazing comedians. Lets hope theres more actual twats in the remainder of the list.

 

Liam Gallagher is a better comedian than Russell Howard.

 

Yes, if you say so....

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Russel Howard's idea of a punchline is quoting someone (or - more often - dumbed down paraphrasing someone) in a funny voice.

 

Had an advert for The Ricky Gervais show been on at the time, I'd definately have included him. As it is, I'm not doing badly. Surprised Bono came so low though.

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I had the misfortune to catch that '100 Greatest Standups' programme on C4 a few months back. Russell Howard placed 35th in that (ahead of, among others, Jerry Seinfeld, Frank Skinner, Lenny Bruce, Dave Allen and Bill Cosby), and the clip they used to justify this was an excruciating routine about how British people shouldn't moan about wheelie bin collections because it's not as bad as starving in Africa. In case that didn't explain his selection well enough, they also had some bint saying that Howard had to dress down on stage because 'he's so handsome, if he wore a suit like other comedians he'd look like James Bond'.

 

1) James Bond isn't a scrawny, gormless, 12-year-old looking gonk.

2) lists like this make me think the criteria for voting in this country needs to be stricter.

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Hmm, hit and miss list so far for me. 3 actual twats (Gervais, Gallagher and Cowell) and 2 amazing comedians. Lets hope theres more actual twats in the remainder of the list.

 

Liam Gallagher is a better comedian than Russell Howard.

 

As much of a cunt as he is, he is at least inadvertently funny whilst Russell Howard can't even manage that. He's completely terrible in every way.

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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

24

Jeremy Kyle

(2009 ranking: did not place)

 

jeremy.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Shouting at people on television, providing students with something to watch in the morning.

 

And you think he's a twat because...

"Usually I like an arsehole telling other arseholes what arseholes they are, but Kyle is so unbelieveably smug... What a wanker", says Spotlightmagnet1, who ranked Kyle at #9. jimufctna24, who ranked him at #5, agrees, calling Kyle a "judgmental and condersending wankek". I don't know what a wankek is - it may just be a typo - but it sounds like it would be a level above your average ground-level wanker, and that certainly corresponds to your opinions of Kyle. "What do you say about some one who instantly conjures up the word cunt?" asks patdfb (who ranked him at #9), who continues, "[Kyle] tries to hard to be a saviour... comes across as a wanker instead. "Fuck off you tosser," adds The Natural (who ranked Kyle at #8).

 

In summary, let's go to Dead Mike (who ranked Kyle at #6), who offered his opinion in a single word: "Cunt".

 

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

 

And so to summarise, Jeremy Kyle is worse than...

The degradation and debasement of British society and culture as represented by his programme and those who appear on it. To wit:

julian-assange2.jpg

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

23

Chris Moyles

(2009 ranking: 10. Down 13)

 

17947_fullsize.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Being on the radio.

 

And you think he's a twat because...

I feel quite bad about this one because he's currently in the middle of doing a big 37-hour marathon presenting session for Comic Relief, but, well, you voted for him, so... "I don't quite get the appeal of this moron," says Nexus (who ranked him at #10). "He's fat and he shouts. That's about all I can get... his fucking morning show on the fucking terrible Radio 1 is bullshit. He isn't funny." Rave (who ranked him at #9) clearly agrees with this: "Unfunny TWAT!" Meanwhile, The Dart (who ranked him at #6) "would pay money for him to fuck off forever."

 

Was he voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

 

And so to summarise, Chris Moyles is worse than...

Having to listen to Radio 1 for 37 consecutive hours...

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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DISCLAIMER: All views and opinions within the Twatlist are just that; views and opinions. No views within the Twatlist are my own. I love everybody. Especially celebrities :love:

 

 

 

22

Davina McCall

(2009 ranking: 8. Down 14)

 

davinamccall.jpg

 

What's she famous for?

TV presenting, million pound dropping.

 

And you think she's a twat because...

It's the first female nominee to make the list, but when it comes to ire and vitriol, the UKFF seems to be all about gender equality; you hate Davina just as much as any bloke. But TUFCfan, who ranked her at #2, is optimistic: "One benefit of Big Brother ending is that we might see less of her on TV..." Probably not, though; McCall is another of those celebrities that appears just as you least expect it and SHOUTS REALLY LOUDLY TO CONVEY EVEN THE SLIGHTEST EXCITEMENT PARTICULARLY IF SHE'S PRESENTING THE MOST TEDIOUS DRIVEL CHANNEL 4 HAS EVER PRODUCED. "I don't know," adds opcws (who ranked her at #7), "maybe a middle-aged woman giggling at dirty words, confusing jokes with loud talking and generally acting like a slaggy 14-year-old in a car park post-bottle of White Lightning would be funny if you didn't remember that she was someone's mother. But probably not."

 

Was she voted a Top Twat (#1 Twat)?

No.

 

And so to summarise, Davina McCall is worse than...

Being presented with a million pounds (cash), then literally dropping it. In runny horse shit.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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I can’t add much more to what I said about Jeremy Kyle already (thanks for using my quote HarmonicGenerator) other than it’s nice to know I’m not alone in regarding him as a self righteous wanker. Chris Moyles made my ballot as well. Davina McCall is annoying and I probably retrospectively would have voted for her had I remembered. I’m lucky that she’s usually out of sight, out of mind at least in my mind.

Edited by The Natural
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