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The UKFF Celebrity Twatlist


HarmonicGenerator

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18

Jeremy Clarkson

jeremy-clarkson.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Presenting, hating stuff, being really loud and tall.

 

And he's a twat because...

Voice of a voter -

 

The very worst kind of British man. He's overly opinionated, extremely obnoxious, dresses like someone's embarrassing "cool dad" and clearly believes that he is very entertaining indeed. If he weren't famous he'd be that guy in the decrepid old Mercedes who wears designer suits to a shitty job that has no call for him to do so. He is Al Murray's Pub Landlord character except without even a hint of irony or self-awareness. He's a MAN who likes MANLY MANNISH THINGS because that's what MEN do. Cars are MANLY. Cars he doesn't like are for GIRLS. Explosions and stunts are MANLY. His haircut isn't though. Burn.

 

The other Top Gear presenters (and presenters in numerous other fields) imitate his horrible, horrible presenting style, so another tosserpoint for this perm-headed twat is that he has inspired a generation of presenters to end their sentences... LIKE THIS. Oh yeah, and he writes columns for newspapers. What the fuck?

 

... A lot of celebrities are a bit annoying or whatever, but with Clarkson I would truly relish the opportunity to stab him in the testicles just to see the look on his stupid doughy face.

 

Was he voted a Top Twat?

Yes.

 

And so to summarise, Jeremy Clarkson is worse than...

Twilight.

 

 

 

 

17

Oasis (but particularly Liam Gallagher)

oasis-best-band-in-the-world.jpg

 

What are they famous for?

Music and being nobs, but being revered for it anyway.

 

And they're twats because...

People seem to consider them the best band in the world. THEY'RE NOT. They also think they're the biggest band in the world. Again, THEY'RE NOT. Liam Gallagher's ego couldn't be more inflated if you stuck a bicycle pump up his arse. He's a disgusting, filthy, slimy piece of guttershit who shouldn't be allowed out, never mind nationwide fame and all he money he could ever want. Scum.

 

Over again to Mr. Seven for the closing word - "Scumbags who got lucky and have been writing the same song for about fifteen years."

 

Were they voted a Top Twat?

No, actually, but got enough votes to put them this high.

 

And so to summarise, Oasis (but particularly Liam Gallagher) are worse than...

A papercut on the bell-end.

 

 

 

 

16

Morrissey

morrissey.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Being a miserable twat.

 

And he's a twat because...

He's pretentious. Half the fucking country seems to think he's a god of some kind - there are actually people who believe Morrssey is the greatest living Englishman and the best musician of the last century. Seriously. What the FUCK has this nobend ever done to merit that? Whinged for twenty years? Shit, I could do that! FUCK OFF, MORRISSEY, JUST FUCK OFF, and take your stupid fucking daffodils with you YOU TWAT.

 

Was he voted a Top Twat?

Yes.

 

And so to summarise, Morrissey is worse than...

A series of papercuts on the bell-end.

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Liam Gallagher recently declared that La Roux has 'man hands' and said Billy Joe Armstrong could 'fuck right off' because 'I don't like his head'.

 

Sorry, but I just can't hate this man.

 

I'm torn here, because Liam and Noel's bi-annual assaults on various artists are funnier because Oasis are so fucking irrelevant. If they were awesome, it wouldn't be half as fun, and they would be 100% cuntfaced.

 

I still remember a few years ago when they ripped into The Kaiser Cheifs, saying how shit they were, and how Ricky Wilson is a fat child of an excuse for a frontman. Wilson responded with words to the effect of "I'm just glad they know who we are, it's such an honour". That made Wilson a bigger fucking douche than both Gallaghers put together, in my eyes.

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Liam Gallagher recently declared that La Roux has 'man hands' and said Billy Joe Armstrong could 'fuck right off' because 'I don't like his head'.

 

Sorry, but I just can't hate this man.

I'm torn here, because Liam and Noel's bi-annual assaults on various artists are funnier because Oasis are so fucking irrelevant. If they were awesome, it wouldn't be half as fun, and they would be 100% cuntfaced.

 

I still remember a few years ago when they ripped into The Kaiser Cheifs, saying how shit they were, and how Ricky Wilson is a fat child of an excuse for a frontman. Wilson responded with words to the effect of "I'm just glad they know who we are, it's such an honour". That made Wilson a bigger fucking douche than both Gallaghers put together, in my eyes.

Not really now. Arctic Monkey's and all the other indy bands have all stated their love for Oasis. They're pretty relevant for the first time in nearly a decade.

 

I personally like the Gallaghers. Yes, Liam can be abit of a twat. But I think alot of the time their cocky act and vocal assaults are very tongue-in-cheek.

 

Also, I still can't believe people don't 'get' that Morrissey isn't really that miserable. Alot of his songs are usually poking fun at that fact. It's just a finely tuned act. One that has delivered some incredible tunes.

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Liam Gallagher recently declared that La Roux has 'man hands' and said Billy Joe Armstrong could 'fuck right off' because 'I don't like his head'.

 

Sorry, but I just can't hate this man.

I'm torn here, because Liam and Noel's bi-annual assaults on various artists are funnier because Oasis are so fucking irrelevant. If they were awesome, it wouldn't be half as fun, and they would be 100% cuntfaced.

 

I still remember a few years ago when they ripped into The Kaiser Cheifs, saying how shit they were, and how Ricky Wilson is a fat child of an excuse for a frontman. Wilson responded with words to the effect of "I'm just glad they know who we are, it's such an honour". That made Wilson a bigger fucking douche than both Gallaghers put together, in my eyes.

Not really now. Arctic Monkey's and all the other indy bands have all stated their love for Oasis. They're pretty relevant for the first time in nearly a decade.

 

It doesn't matter who likes them, I was more referring to the fact that they haven't wrote a new song since 1997.

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Liam Gallagher recently declared that La Roux has 'man hands' and said Billy Joe Armstrong could 'fuck right off' because 'I don't like his head'.

 

Sorry, but I just can't hate this man.

I'm torn here, because Liam and Noel's bi-annual assaults on various artists are funnier because Oasis are so fucking irrelevant. If they were awesome, it wouldn't be half as fun, and they would be 100% cuntfaced.

 

I still remember a few years ago when they ripped into The Kaiser Cheifs, saying how shit they were, and how Ricky Wilson is a fat child of an excuse for a frontman. Wilson responded with words to the effect of "I'm just glad they know who we are, it's such an honour". That made Wilson a bigger fucking douche than both Gallaghers put together, in my eyes.

Not really now. Arctic Monkey's and all the other indy bands have all stated their love for Oasis. They're pretty relevant for the first time in nearly a decade.

 

It doesn't matter who likes them, I was more referring to the fact that they haven't wrote a new song since 1997.

I don't dispute that. But they're fairly 'hip' these days.

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Sarah Ferguson?

There's something about her though. I've always had this fantasy of giving her a royal seeing to, leave her crying cause of the mixture of agony and shame then telling her "get out, GET OUT!"

 

Pun intended?

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I'm not going to get started on my hatred for Oasis, everything they have done and everything they stand for because if I do then no work will be done today. But Clarkson should be FAR higher.

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I remember a couple of years ago Oasis bragging about how they're "the loudest band in the world" only to be promptly told that they're not, because Manowar are :laugh:

Did Oasis ever say they were the loudest band in the world? Bands like Oasis never makes claims like that. Mega-loud music isn't "cool" in that world. They used to say they were the best and biggest band. Neither of which was true.

Edited by Ian_hitmanhart
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15

Jonathan Ross

jonathanross-gal-qawards.jpg

(guess what - he's not the only one in this photo to turn up on the list)

 

What's he famous for?

Presenting, and speaking with a bit of an impediment.

 

And he's a twat because...

He's a smarmy prick who cracks endless 'shock' comments on undeserved targets while getting eight-figure contracts to show up in increasingly-tacky suits (says one voter).

 

Was he voted a Top Twat?

No.

 

And so to summarise, Jonathan Ross is worse than...

The Daily Mail. Or the News of the World, or the Express. Whichever you dislike most.

 

 

 

 

14

Lewis Hamilton

lewis-hamilton.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Driving a fast car, winning lots of races, driving a less fast car, not winning many races.

 

And he's a twat because...

It's the ego thing again, isn't it? He thinks he's god's gift. He needs to get the fuck over himself. Though it's possibly tough to be humble when you're banging a Pussycat Doll, he should fucking try it. Flash in the pan.

 

A voter says...

 

"Jumped up, Whiny, 'self made' Prima donna. Everything about him is just pure and utter twatty. Can't stand the fucker. He can drive a race car, but seriously would smash his face in repeatedly for being a complete cock."

 

Was he voted a Top Twat?

Yep.

 

And so to summarise, Lewis Hamilton is worse than...

Having your head rammed up a boy racer's exhaust pipe and being forced to inhale the fumes. Take that literally or as a euphemism.

 

 

 

 

13

Jamie Oliver

jamie-oliver.jpg

 

What's he famous for?

Cooking and telling people what to do.

 

And he's a twat because...

I could just use mrmidas' comment - a simple "Cunt." - but I'll add a little more and wonder whether it would be possible for Mr. Oliver to be any further up his own arse than he already is. The answer, unfortunately, is probably 'yes'.

 

Was he voted a Top Twat?

Yes.

 

And so to summarise, Jamie Oliver is worse than...

having a bad case of the squits.

Edited by HarmonicGenerator
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