Glenryck Pilchards

Tyler Breeze Vs Gail Kim Vs The Hurricane Vs Human Tornado in a Fatal Beaufourt Way match. 

TIL that if I press the start button on my car three times, it calls the emergency services. I had a very awkward conversation with a 999 operator that I called by mistake...

Over the weekend I became a European Champion! I won the APAT Pot-Limit Omaha Hi-Lo European Championships for a gold medal and £2,200 for my biggest live cash in poker. 

And before anyone asks, yes I have been doing the D'Lo Brown head shake ever since. 

1 hour ago, Chili said:

How have I just noticed when Jake Hagar ran into to assist Orange Cassidy that he's basically a giant version of OC. 

Please put them against Kingdom for a tag match and have them both dressed as Orange Cassidy. Do the thing.

Add Kevin De Bruyne to the mix and you have a doppelganger trios team.

We will start with the Men's Rumble and the winner is @TildeGuy~!. The only person to be called out for cheating in the entire history of the UKFF Royal Rumble Lottery has legitimately etched his name onto the Hall of Fame honours boards after scoring 169 points just edging out @Just Some Guy to second place with 167 points. @TibBo and @Vegeta share the bronze medal with 164 each.

Looking at the other end of the table and it appears @Tim Healys Chutney Spoon is wooden as they languish at the foot of the table with a terrible -14 points. @Bradyisgod22 and @ReturnOfTheMack also finished on negative points. 

On to the Women's Rumble and the maximum possible score was 252. Our winner clinched the title with a whopping 233 points, which is 86 more than the usual maximum scores that he sees. Yes our Men's champion is the official UKFF snooker correspondent @Fatty Facesitter who comfortably bagged the trophy by beating out @Loki by 39 points. Wearing next to nothing in 3rd place is @HarmonicGenerator on 182 points. 

At the bottom end, @Bradyisgod22 grabs the wooden spoon to barely spare the blushes of @Fog Dude, @Mr.Showtime, and Tim Healy's Chutney Spoon. 

On to the overall prize and it is a double for @Fatty Facesitter despite only scoring 21 points in the Men's Rumble for a combined total of 254 ponts. They edge out @TibBo who grabbed a silver 9 points behind Fatty, whilst @Just Some Guy clinches two top-three finishes with 233 points

At the bottom end, it is a shared wooden spoon for THCS and Brady who both had a combined score of a paltry 4 points. 

And that concludes this year's UKFF Royal Rumble Lottery and with regret, this will be the last one I will be conducting. Fifteen years ago when I first started doing this it was a joy to do, but slowly over time with all the allegations flying around WWE, it was leaving a sour taste in my mouth each passing year and was becoming a chore to do. The news about the sexual misconduct of Vince McMahon last week was the straw that broke the camel's back and I don't feel comfortable promoting or supporting the WWE product in any way. 

If anyone would like to takeover from me please drop me a DM and I will happily pass over my spreadsheets to continue the UKFF Rumble Lottery legacy. 

I have finally managed to sit through both Rumbles and here are how each selection scored in the 2024 UKFF Royal Rumble Lottery

The jackpot combination for the Men's Rumble was 1, 9, 15, 27, and 28. No one had picked those five numbers. 

In the women's event, the best combination was 2, 3, 19, 28 and 30. No one had all five, but one person did choose four of those lucky numbers... 

In case anyone is wondering why Pat McAfee scored -27 points, I decided to award him -10 for being eliminated in less than 60 seconds, -10 for being a 'stupid idiot', -3 for eliminating himself, and -4 for doing an opposite of a 'house on fire'. I am basically punishing him for being a massive fanny. 

The scores will be posted imminently. 

A quick update, I have been suffering with flu for the last week which triggered a searing migraine for the last few days, so I don't think my eyes could have coped with WWE's production values. 

I am off on Thursday and will ensure the results will be posted on that evening by the latest.

No more entries. Good luck everyone.

Happy New Year to one and all, and now that the festivities have drawn to a close, you all need something to look forward to. Why of course it is the annual UKFF Royal Rumble Lottery. This is the fifteenth year I have run this competition and yes I am questioning my life choices...

As usual, you only need to reply to this thread and pick FIVE numbers between 1 and 30. These numbers will be used for both Rumbles. All you need to do is sit back, relax and cheer on your selections to amass enough points to be crowned champion, while I frantically fanny around with an Excel spreadsheet. Each selection will be allocated points as below;

The Top 5

Winner - 50 points
Runner-up (last eliminated) - 35 points
3rd - 25 points
4th - 15 points
5th - 10 points

Survivor award; the most time spent in the ring
1st longest - 20 points
2nd longest - 18 points
3rd longest - 16 points
4th longest - 14 points
5th longest - 12 points


Your wrestler eliminates another: 3 points

The Bushwhacker Luke award; If your wrestler is eliminated within 60 seconds of entering the ring you are deducted 10 points.

Skinning the Cat Award - If your wrestler skins the cat and returns to the ring you will gain five points. However, if they get eliminated while attempting it or within three seconds of returning to the ring, they will be deducted ten points for being a dickhead.

The Tiffany Award - If your wrestler is in the ring on their todd (after entrant number two enters the ring) then they will receive six points. Your wrestler can score more than once. Obviously, the winner is not included in this.

The "You Stupid Idiot" Award - Renamed after Chris Jericho who did this in 2017, if your wrestler volunteers to climb the top rope but then gets knocked off and eliminated you lose 20 points.

The "Well We Weren't Expecting You!" Award - If your pick is a WWE Hall of Famer or someone who is not a member of the active wrestling roster you will gain 10 points. (My decision will be final if the person qualifies for this award)

The Double Bubble Award: If your selection competed earlier on the card they will gain 5 points

The "In Like a House on Fire" Award: If your entrant eliminates someone within 60 seconds of entering the ring they will get an additional four points as well as the normal elimination bonus. 

Hat Trick Heaven: If your pick is a member of an active tag team or stable you will get 3 points. If they are in the Rumble at the same time as a fellow group member it will be doubled to 6 points and if they are three members or more it will be doubled once again to 12 points. (It will be capped at three members)

The Wrestlemania Sign Points - If your competitor points to the Wrestlemania sign during the Rumble, they will receive 5 points. If they point to it and are dumped out within five minutes they will lose 20 points. 

Before you post your selections please read these rules to help me out:

1. Make sure you only pick FIVE numbers from 1 to 30
2. Make sure they are in numerical order
3. If you fail to adhere to these rules I will make you look like a chump.

Please make your selection by 3PM, Saturday 27th January. 

My selection is 2,6,11,24 and 28

Good luck!

BoohooMen have been a good option for this fat bastard and it is relatively cheap.

Not clothing of the best quality, but the last order I did I got two pairs of jeans, jogging bottoms, three t-shirts, two packs of socks and a pack of boxer shorts for less than £80.

A Poll on a Pole match. The winner is declared after retrieving an electronic device and choosing the option 'otter'.

@Carbomb It is very much a Teesside thing that is starting to die out. I am trying to keep it alive you philistine! 

https://www.panistroglodyte.co.uk/food/recipes/bread/fadgies/

@FelatioLips you can do the inevitable deep-fried parmo. 

I finally got time to try the fabled battered donner butty at the Silver Cod on Saturday. I headed into Norton near Middlesbrough, which is only famous for casting the original Big Ben bell and did such a shit job with it that it cracked within weeks of installation at Parliament. En route to the third-best chippy in Norton (there are four), the heavens opened with an almighty thunderstorm and I wondered if this was the food gods warning me not to get this delicacy. 

I waited for the rain to ease and one of the counter staff sneaked out for a tab before I braved the weather and headed inside the chippy. The same member of staff asked what I would like and I asked for the battered donner butty. A wry smile came on her face and she grabbed a pre-margarined fadgie, loaded the bun with donner meat, and squirted garlic sauce on top before handing it over to the fry master. 

The fry master worked their magic covering the bun in batter and dipped it into the fryer for over five minutes. He brought the monstrosity to the counter and cut the butty in half, allowing the steam to escape violently like Mount Etna. the counter staff then wrapped it in four layers of paper. I took the food and headed to Norton Green, mainly because there was a defibrillator located there, but also it was the fabled site where I separated a fight between my dog Murray and an owl who were scrapping over a discarded kebab which felt apt.  I removed the first layer of paper and immediately I thought I was going to be in trouble. 

The grease that accumulated on the paper already left me in shock, and I carefully unwrapped the rest of the ticking time bomb. I unsheathed the bastard and look at the size of the thing! I did not have a trusty UKFF fork with me, so I put a biro next to it for scale. 

And here is the cross-section of this mighty beast. 

On closer inspection, they added some chips to the bun, which I was guessing to regulate the heat for this big ball of cholesterol. I took my first bite and the immediate taste was grease. I did not pick up any spice from the donner meat or any tang from the garlic sauce. Parts of the donner meat escaped in the frying process and it was like a weird pork scratching/beef jerky hybrid which was one of the few highlights of this meal. 

I struggled through the first half and regretted not picking up a drink from the chippy as a cream soda or a shandy Bass would have been a much-needed palate cleanser. I grabbed the second half and I finally picked up some taste of the garlic mayo, but only in slight pockets of the myriad of lard. I managed three-quarters of the second half and I had to concede defeat. 

In summary, this was fucking awful and I would not recommend it. I felt lousy for the following 24 hours and once it worked its way through my system..... well, lets leave that for the shitting thread for another time. 

The local rag had an adverticle of a chippy round the corner from me plugging that they are now selling a battered kebab bun.

I will take one for the UKFF team to try out this monstrosity and report back my findings.

 https://www.gazettelive.co.uk/whats-on/food-drink-news/new-deep-fried-delicacy-norton-27524519

If you think that is bad it was $20 a can of Budweiser at Double or Nothing last year at T-Mobile Arena!

I am currently working at the World Series of Poker in Vegas at the moment and stumbling across this name I couldn't help myself. 

https://www.pokernews.com/tours/wsop/2023-wsop/event-39-monster-stack/chips.571116.htm

4 hours ago, Lion_of_the_Midlands said:

Thank you buddy. Now if you could come round and set the clock on my cooker that would be all my technology problems solved!!!

It is really easy to do. All it takes is to wait until midnight, then unplug your cooker and turn it back on. Jobs a good'un. 

Last week I witnessed one of the funniest things I have seen in my life.

I just parked up at Spennymoor, the cultural epicentre of County Durham, and as I was locking the car I heard 'Dancing in the Moonlight' being played obnoxiously loud out of some pricks car. I looked over and the prick was driving an Audi convertible. 

This bloke parked up and they could only be described as how I envision the landlord character from Athletico Mince. He was wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo, with a jumper tied round his neck and khaki cargo shorts. 

He pressed the button to close the roof of their hairdresser car, but he forgot that there was a Flymo lawnmower straddled across his back seat. The sound of crunching metal was fabulous, but the coup de grace was when the rear passenger windows shattered. It was a fucking beautiful moment.

Who else could it be?

I blame the cunt for us not getting promotion. Lost a penalty shootout against Long Eaton.

In a job interview a few years ago I was asked what are my interests. My brain was wanting me to say I was a 'keen quizzer, what came out was 'queen kisser'...

I was offered the job, but declined through sheer embarrassment. 

One pint of cloudy apple juice followed by a pint of water. Wait 30 minutes and have a pint of prune juice followed by another pint of water. 

Your intestines will be sparking afterwards. The last time I did it I shat out a Monopoly Hotel which must have squatted in my bowels for 25 years. 

I reckon it is a sponge left out by the catering staff by accident and @waters44 is now trying to save face for mistaking a cleaning implement for sustenance.