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If all the trees rose up against us, could we defeat them?


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#1 Mr. Seven

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:00 AM

Yes, I have thieved this thread idea from another board. Rules immediate attack from all trees, we are unprepared. tree top speed of 3mph across the board. trees have reasonable flexibility of limbs (branches) with which to bash you. they have a general collective will to kill all humans but they don't have strong tactical skills. we (non-trees) can use anything at our disposal. ignore the huge environmental issues Who wins?

#2 ColinBollocks

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:04 AM

Are Skynet involved in this? If not, I fancy our chances. Aye, there be a number of casualties (the Worlds population can do with a trim anyway) but death by mass fire attack.

Edited by Blackson Jackson, 21 March 2012 - 12:06 AM.

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#3 Mr. Seven

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:07 AM

We don't know who is involved. We might never know why.

#4 FelatioLips

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:10 AM

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That was my initial plan, until I realized it would be very time-consuming and I'd have been crushed to death the second I even attempted it.

Trees would win.

#5 Mr. Seven

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:14 AM

Three miles an hour top speed though. Chances are you'd outrun them every time unless you got complacent. Further info: They can't open doors, but the bigger ones can bash their way in.

#6 WWFChilli

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:15 AM

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Sev... can they climb stairs?

Edited by Chilli_Dog, 21 March 2012 - 12:16 AM.


#7 Astro Hollywood

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:15 AM

Tough one. This needs a lot of thought. First impressions are that anyone who lives in the countryside is getting fucked, and fast. They'll be a bottleneck when the most heavily massed groups of trees hit the cities, giving people a chance to ready the tripwires and flamethrowers. Although by that point, the chaos of what those city dwelling trees have done will have already led to looting and madness, so I don't have much confidence in such a well formulated plan of defense.

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#8 WWFChilli

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:16 AM

Tough one. This needs a lot of thought.

First impressions are that anyone who lives in the countryside is getting fucked, and fast. They'll be a bottleneck when the most heavily massed groups of trees hit the cities, giving people a chance to ready the tripwires and flamethrowers. Although by that point, the chaos of what those city dwelling trees have done will have already led to looting and madness, so I don't have much confidence in such a well formulated plan of defense.


Either way Starkey will blame the blacks.

#9 Mr. Seven

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:20 AM

Realistically, South America is gone. Might as well write that entire land mass off. Suicide trees would also be problematic. No stair-climbing. They can't talk either, but they can communicate through creaking. Again, they're not very tactically sound.

#10 WWFChilli

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:22 AM

Realistically, South America is gone. Might as well write that entire land mass off. Suicide trees would also be problematic.

No stair-climbing. They can't talk either, but they can communicate through creaking. Again, they're not very tactically sound.


Africa is coming out of this not to shabby then. The Amazon is going to a fucking nightmare though.

#11 CleetusVanDamme

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:23 AM

The odds are against us. The trees will have hippies on their side. Probably vegetarians, too.

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#12 Rule One

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:25 AM

How do they sustain themselves once derooted?
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#13 Mr. Seven

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:26 AM

The tree huggers will be shown no mercy I'm afraid. It'll be like that bit with the alien lovers atop the building in Independence Day.

How do they sustain themselves once derooted?


Valid question, to which there is no scientific explanation. We're dealing with woodland zombies here, essentially.

Edited by Mr. Seven, 21 March 2012 - 12:30 AM.


#14 BiffingtonClyro

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 12:46 AM

Flamethrowers and bazookas are the best bet. Get every citizen onto the coast, onto the beaches, even in little dinghys if need be. Have the stupid branch cunts run at us and then BOOM! We'll be safe from any fire as we'll be in our lovely boats and if there is any backdraft we simply jump into the sea to cool off. We could even have napalm strikes sorted out as well. We would need to be realistic however. The people of Brazil are fucked, any land locked countries are fucked. Just be happy we live on this lovely island. The people of Birminham are also probably fucked. We need to rely on places like Ayrshire and Cornwall.

Edited by BiffingtonClyro, 21 March 2012 - 12:48 AM.


#15 Rule One

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Posted 21 March 2012 - 01:15 AM

The tree huggers will be shown no mercy I'm afraid. It'll be like that bit with the alien lovers atop the building in Independence Day.

How do they sustain themselves once derooted?


Valid question, to which there is no scientific explanation. We're dealing with woodland zombies here, essentially.


So decomposition/self sustained damage to the point of one being unable to move is invalid?

If you think about the implications then it's a very tough scenario. We need wood so we couldn't outright blast them to smithereens or burn them to the ground.
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