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#16 JLM

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 08:52 AM

Christ that's awful. Now that I'm free from swordmouth, I haven't had an office moron incident since 26/8/09. Don't worry I'm not keeping a journal of these things (unless the scars on my right fore arm count), I just posted about it a while back:

To set the scene, woman on team has brought a cake in and is offering it around. She offers it to a guy on the team but he's going downstairs for a meeting of some description.

Her: "Want some cake?"

Him: "Not just now, I'm going downstairs. Don't worry, I have a meeting, I'm not running away from your cake"

Her: "HAHAHAHAHAHA. It'll still be waiting for you when you come back up!"

Him: "It won't have run away will it?"

Her: "HAHAHAHA"

Him: "It's not a lemon cake with legs is it?"

Her: "HAHAHAHA"


I think I'm going to go to the toilets and cut myself in a moment.


A woman's voice, is such rarest flower. But I pick it. Vlad picks, petal from petal, until you are nudest you are ever being.

Until you are so nude.


#17 shep

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 08:58 AM

I'm having to blatantly bump this, because the lads who I normally vent to aren't here and I need to tell someone, anyone, before my head starts to bleed.

The idiot has struck again, twice in ten minutes. Here's the gist:

On overseas communications:
"My mate is going on honeymoon on Friday, she got married last week but they couldn't get a flight until Friday"
"That's nice"
"Yeah, they're going to Hawaii"
"That's nice"
"She's really excited, but I don't know if she'll be okay talking to people"
"Why?"
"Well I know some people in the hotel will speak English, but it might be difficult if she meets people because she doesn't speak Mexican"


I didnt like it there, everybody spoke Mexicoan

#18 The King Of Swing

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 10:43 AM

I didnt like it there, everybody spoke Mexicoan


Buffy S7 by any chance?

Anyway no idiots as such where I work but some shady cunts.

Some fucker put my name to a dodgey pallet that was sent out to a customer and I was lucky not to get shit canned over it but thankfully everyone backed me up.
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#19 patiirc

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 11:15 AM

On a slightly different tack, I love rumours at work.. Since I left ive heard some crackers. the most recent being I did over a big dealer for some money he owed me, and then moved to Australia with his missus. :p ?!?!??! The one before that was I had done something terrible with one of my female co workers at work and they had to get rid of me as low key as possible as to not cause a storm. Where do they get this stuff from...??? 3 years nearly since ive been there, oh how I laugh

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#20 daztraction

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:04 PM

We keep a log of the stupid things that this lad comes out with at work, and here's the prize gems (all are genuine, NONE copied from the internet or anything, google them yourself. . .) "How do you spell Noddy? Is it N-O-D-I-E?" "What's the Third Reich?" "All Australians look the same." "What was that film...... Quadrophobia?" "If they haven't made a film out of it, then it's not a decent book." "Jesus is no different to Osama bin Laden." "Was Shergar a horse?" "Yakubu... the next black Thierry Henry." "If you're too old to work, you're too old to drive." "What's Taxidermy?" "Paula Radcliffe should have finished the race... 'cos I did the Great North Run even though I was knackered." "Were all the Dutch internationals called up to Holland?" "Why delegate when you can do it yourself?" "She's in the top 20...she's 22." "What was the band with Keith Chegwin in....I mean Cheryl Baker?" "How much have Man United won since they last won something?" "I can remember Supergran but I can't remember what it was about." "Just because he's won every trophy, it doesn't make him a good manager." "He's only good when he's on form." "That American Football team...the San Francisco 69ers" "A shed is a garage" "The group is called the 5,6,7,8'S" That's because they couldn't count to four. Question on a Tuesday; "Have you been on the roulette machine today". Reply was "no I'm finished for the week, I'll probably have a go on Friday" While watching the film Pitch Black, he commented, he's neither good nor bad he's pure evil. These two lads from the office were arguing over vegetarians and whether man has always ate meat........ he comes out with........."we've always eaten meat, you can tell from the photographs of cave men." "In 52 weeks it will be this time next year." While referring to a picture of a contortionist in the paper: "Wow, she can put her head round the back of her leg". "I'd rather be rich and miserable than poor and happy" "There was a JJB on the inside lane." "I was doing the annual stuff that I do monthly". "Is that the highest score draw or did someone win 6-4" "Dont open the windows otherwise the air-con will try and cool everything outside." "He is not even British or english." About Gary Coleman from Different Strokes; "Has he grown up yet?"" "I wish I was that famous hipnotist, Dave McKenna!!" "Can you use Argos vouchers in woolworths?" Holding out a bannana: "Who wants an apple?" "McFly and the beatles are exactly the same. They are both shit" He is sitting to the right of two lads in a pub when a woman walks in with big boobs and a necklace hanging from her neck. He says; "(x), pretend that you are the necklace and me and (x) are tits". "I am going to have a free night in tonight because the drink I have in the house; I bought last week." "The iPod is not an mp3 player." "Slash got on stage and done a solo, by himself" "You haven't got 1 day, you've got 24 hours" "On Honey I Shrunk the Kids, he should have shrunk a large pizza, then everyone could have had a small pizza each". And, my all-time favourite: "It's like an everlasting pint, that you top up at the bar yourself."

#21 Frankie Crisp

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:26 PM

"Dont open the windows otherwise the air-con will try and cool everything outside."

There are some gems in there, but that one is just brilliant.

I've already had another one from our idiotic friend since my last post, regarding the spelling/meaning of 'doppelganger', but the conversation has destroyed my soul and entire will to live, so I'll post the conversation in full when I am able to type the story without wanting to cry.
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‘But would you like your daughter to marry one?’ a voice seem to say as Dave lept off the bus like a burning spastic.

#22 Moo

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 12:55 PM

Most of the people around me at work are great really so I don't have too much to moan about. I think I've mentioned it before in another thread on this subject but we work in a very large open plan swanky office which is nice but there is no privacy and you have to put up with everyone's conversations. Unfortunately our department borders with a call centre full of master technicians (expert mechanics basically) whose brains are still firmly in the garage. So its homophobic jibes, swearing and almost always mysogyny all round. There's also the lady near me who seems to have nothing worthwhile to do so she moans about the air conditioning. Constantly. She actually had a go at one of the maintenance guys because he refused to block up the her nearest A/C vent on the spot without proper authorisation. She talked to him like shit and then pissed and whined to everyone else (some people supported her unbelievably) about it afterwards. I have a lot to be thankful for really, if people get on my nerves and I have a lot of work on I just zone it out by listening to music or I can swing a day or two working from home. My girlfriend works with some grade A cunts by the sound of it and I have to stop myself from getting angry on her behalf when she talks about them. She works for a large internet bank and the culture there is typical of a call centre - low paid 'managers' who have no experience or leadership and shitting on everyone. Stupid attempts to 'boost morale' that are so cynical they have the opposite effect. Draconian rules on toilet breaks, drinks breaks and genuine illness or absense. I remember working for BT before I went to Uni in a similar environment, the only thing that kept me going was an innate smugness that I would never have to put up with it again, my workplace is mostly occupied by people who treat each other with respect and maturity which I try hard not to take for granted. Still doesn't stop me getting annoyed by the A/C moaner though. PUT A FUCKING CARDIGAN ON.
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#23 Frankie Crisp

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:09 PM

I've just about recovered, so here's how this afternoon started for me:

Her mate: “You know what, people keeping telling me they’ve seen me in places I’ve never been. I must have a doppelganger”
Her: “A what?”
“A doppelganger”
“A double ganger?”
“No, a doppelganger”
“A dippy ganger?”
“DOPPELganger”
“What’s one of them?”
“When someone is your double”
“So why isn’t it called a double ganger?”
“I think it’s a German word”
(She then turns and directs her response at me) “We beat them in the war didn’t we?”
“Yes. Yes we did”
“So why do we have to use their words?”
“What?”
“If we beat them in the war, shouldn’t it be double ganger?”
“No, they still have their own language and you made double ganger up, it isn’t the translation”
“Well it’s stupid”
“I’ll email the Germans now and tell them”
“Who will you email?”
“Nobody, I was being sarcastic”
“Dickhead”
“Yes. I’m the dickhead here aren’t I?”

Her mate then intervenes

“Anyway, I’ve heard that if you meet your doppelganger, you die”
“REALLY? That’s awful. I’ll have to make sure I don’t go to Germany then”
Me: “They aren’t just in Germany, that’s just where the term is derived”
“Oh shit, then I could meet one anywhere and die?”
“That wasn’t a scientific fact, she was only saying it was part of the… (I then lose the will to continue) never mind”
“Ha, see, you don’t know anything about it. This is amazing, so there is another one of me out there, with the same name and everything?”
“No. A doppelganger isn’t a clone of you with the ‘same name and everything’”
“Oh, I thought you meant there were two of everyone and there was another one of me out there”
“If there were, I’d kill myself”
“Yeah, as if, you love me really”
“I don’t”
Posted Image

‘But would you like your daughter to marry one?’ a voice seem to say as Dave lept off the bus like a burning spastic.

#24 Steve Justice

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:10 PM

Holding out a bannana: "Who wants an apple?"

That almost got me in trouble at work.

#25 JLM

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:15 PM

QUOTE (The Waterboy @ Sep 23 2009, 15:09) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
“Yeah, as if, you love me really”
“I don’t”


That's the worst. The stupid people who are quite literally blissfully ignorant. "I'm a bit gobby and that but people love me really". No, they hate you, but stupid British politeness and social ettiquette dictates that they will not projectile vomit into your mouth when you open it to speak, as much as they'd like to.

Edited by JLM, 23 September 2009 - 01:18 PM.

A woman's voice, is such rarest flower. But I pick it. Vlad picks, petal from petal, until you are nudest you are ever being.

Until you are so nude.


#26 The King Of Swing

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:39 PM

QUOTE (The Waterboy @ Sep 23 2009, 15:09) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I've just about recovered, so here's how this afternoon started for me:

Her mate: “You know what, people keeping telling me they’ve seen me in places I’ve never been. I must have a doppelganger”
Her: “A what?”
“A doppelganger”
“A double ganger?”
“No, a doppelganger”
“A dippy ganger?”
“DOPPELganger”
“What’s one of them?”
“When someone is your double”
“So why isn’t it called a double ganger?”
“I think it’s a German word”
(She then turns and directs her response at me) “We beat them in the war didn’t we?”
“Yes. Yes we did”
“So why do we have to use their words?”
“What?”
“If we beat them in the war, shouldn’t it be double ganger?”
“No, they still have their own language and you made double ganger up, it isn’t the translation”
“Well it’s stupid”
“I’ll email the Germans now and tell them”
“Who will you email?”
“Nobody, I was being sarcastic”
“Dickhead”
“Yes. I’m the dickhead here aren’t I?”

Her mate then intervenes

“Anyway, I’ve heard that if you meet your doppelganger, you die”
“REALLY? That’s awful. I’ll have to make sure I don’t go to Germany then”
Me: “They aren’t just in Germany, that’s just where the term is derived”
“Oh shit, then I could meet one anywhere and die?”
“That wasn’t a scientific fact, she was only saying it was part of the… (I then lose the will to continue) never mind”
“Ha, see, you don’t know anything about it. This is amazing, so there is another one of me out there, with the same name and everything?”
“No. A doppelganger isn’t a clone of you with the ‘same name and everything’”
“Oh, I thought you meant there were two of everyone and there was another one of me out there”
“If there were, I’d kill myself”
“Yeah, as if, you love me really”
“I don’t”


Fair play thats fucking hilarious.

Is she fit?
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#27 Frankie Crisp

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:51 PM

QUOTE (The King Of Swing @ Sep 23 2009, 15:39) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Is she fit?

She's a 9-yarder at best.

Along with her complete failure to grasp how utterly thick she is, she's also one of those average birds who you'd get off with for a laugh at 2am when you're shitfaced, but they themselves believe they are what the world's been waiting for. Her stories on a Monday are the best, when she comes in with tales of all these 'dead fit blokes' who she kopped for over the weekend, yet for some reason they don't reply to her messages or ever call her.

They're the only stories which engage me, but not for the reasons she thinks.

Posted Image

‘But would you like your daughter to marry one?’ a voice seem to say as Dave lept off the bus like a burning spastic.

#28 PowerButchi

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 01:58 PM

Any chance of you dicking her at the Christmas Party?

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#29 Frankie Crisp

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 02:06 PM

QUOTE (ButchReedMark @ Sep 23 2009, 15:58) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Any chance of you dicking her at the Christmas Party?

What, again?
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‘But would you like your daughter to marry one?’ a voice seem to say as Dave lept off the bus like a burning spastic.

#30 Harvey Dent

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Posted 23 September 2009 - 02:07 PM

There is some classic stuff in here. I've never worked with any real thick as pig shit people, just some cute ditzy blondes who we're all fit as hell but uttered some typical blondes things such as:

"Jimi Hendrix? He's that snooker player isn't he?"

On being asked if she'd seen someones birthmark: "oh yeah I've seen that, its been there for ages"