Darkman is fucking ace, i need to see that again shortly!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: "Future War"

From the last series of the show, this is a film where genuine astonishment at it ever getting made accompanies every minute – as one of the comments goes, “delivers more “huh?” moments per second than any other movie”. The plot goes – some alien race visits earth and kidnaps dinosaurs to breed and hunt them on their home planet. They then kidnap and breed humans to use as slaves. They also create these cyborgs to act as guards over the human slaves, I think. They might have used the dinosaurs for that, and the cyborg dudes might be the aliens. It’s kind of difficult to tell.

A slave escapes and goes to earth. Imagine, if you will, the most like Jean Claude Van Damme a person can be and not be Jean Claude Van Damme. I’d lay good odds on them trying to hire him for the film, him laughing at the pitiful amount they offered him and then them hiring some guy right out of some karate class somewhere in LA. So, the slave fights off a 2-foot-tall dinosaur (I kid you not), then uses his badass martial arts powers to beat up one of the cyborg guards.

I’ll try not to spoil too much of the rest of it for you. If you like seeing dinosaur figures held really close to the camera so they look big, looming up on “actors” in a box factory, then this will be the film for you.

I watched Home Alone again today for the first time in ages.

I'd forgotten how much fun this was, it is such an enjoyable family movie. It's deffinately put me in the crimbo mood, I might was the sequel tomorrow.

Agreed. It's always on, during the night, somewhere on the Sky Movie Channels.

My Best Friends Girl - Its a bit more crude than your average rom-com. And you should all watch it just for Alec Baldwin - legend!!

27 Dresses - Chick flick drivel.

That Famke Janseen freaks me out big time.

Because she could kill you with her thighs?

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NkTwDQA0Vrw

Watching The Incredibles again in glorious,glorious HD, my orginal main gripe with that film still stands, it really does go on around 30 mins too long. Still, a decent film, that looks so,so,sooooo good in HD and also sounds impressive.

Thats how I want to die.

I just came in my pants a little. Well, a lot.

You're welcome. Although I apologise for any mess the link may have led to.

Four Christmases - Its not a bad film, it doesn't hardly feel like an xmas film but a rom com. Vince Vaughn is great in it, he's certainly becoming one of my fave actors - even though he just seems to play himself in these movies.

Best believe that's on the list. Right after "What happens in Vegas..." Happy times ahead.

Famke Janssen is amazing. I love her. She's even hot as a head walking around on tentacles in The Faculty.

Finally finished Alias. Has been a fun journey and I've largely enjoyed it. First two seasons were gold, third was alright, fourth was alright aside from the blatant re-write that made me want to stab someone and season five was, well, not so good but I was invested by that point. Loved the guest stars so much. Christian Slater, Tobin Bell, Tarrantino, Michael "Omar yo!" K. Williams and many more. Ricky Gervais was awful though. David Anders is terrific, so is Ron Rifkin. Fun show, would recommend it, though what everyone says about the decline in quality as it goes on is quite correct.

Now, I'm off to see if Mia Maestro has been in anything else.

Went to see My Best Friend's Girl the other day. Mainly because of my unhealthy obsession for Kate Hudson which is now bordering on Love. I can't recomend a monthly cinema pass higher as it gives me ample opportunity for filmic stalking.

Anyway back to the film, have to say it's pretty much typical 'rom com' stuff, I really fail to see why Dane Cook appears to be so popular as he's pretty average at the best of times.

All in all though it's worth watching for the wedding scene alone which has some genuine laugh out loud moments.

I keep meaning to watch season 4 and 5, I raced through the first 3 with my ex years ago and haven't touched it since.

I watched another Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode last night, "Master Ninja 2". One of the funniest episodes I've seen.

Four is watchable, not as dire as some have made out but still not great. As mentioned, the first couple of episodes infuriated me beyond belief but it was alright once I got past that. It also has Mia Maestro as Nadia for extra eye candy.

Forgot to mention that Amy Acker in Season 5 is excellent. I wubbed her as 'Fred in Angel and struggled to see how she would play a villain in Dollhouse (starts in February) because she's all pretty and sweet looking and lovely and played such a good-natured and timid character in that show. However, her performances as Peyton in Alias have convinced me, excellent stuff.

I fucking love Amy Acker. I could do very wrong things to that girl.

I need to get around to watching season 5, I've had it on DVD for a year now.

I recently went to watch Zach And Miri Make A Porno at the cinema. I am a big fan of Kevin Smith and own everything he's done, so it was safe to say i was always going to see his new film.

I really enjoyed it, its less of a Kevin Smith film (people could of easily thought it was a Judd Apatow film) but it kept all the little things which make Kevin Smith films likeable and different. I like Seth Rogan and love Elizabeth Banks, they didn't disappoint as their chemistry was good together. I did however think Craig Robinson (Darrell from the Office) stole the film, he has this quality dead pan delivery which makes all his jokes a laugh out loud moment.

The film just flew by i thought, which i what i like to see in a comedy. I hate it when the film lasts 30 minutes too long (prime example being Wedding Crashers). There are enough jokes and laughing moments to keep you going throughout the film without getting bored or anything. Its a film which you could easily see even if you aren't a fan of Kevin Smith films, but its got enough in there for his fans to enjoy it too.

Two last things.

Justin Long cameo as Brandon Routh's gay lover was fantastic, he had the best over the top voice for the part.

Jason Mewes looked 10 years younger than what he looks like in other Smith films, he should be the poster boy for what getting off drugs can do to your look. It was amazing to see him look so good, plus after 10 years of begging to Smith to let him get his dick out, he finally did at the end of the movie.

Now i'm going to go find someone to Dutch rudder with.

Did the beginning of season four have you aghast with rage or did you already know about the shenanigans?

I did feel it was a bit of a cop out, but decided it was just another typical Alias OMG SWERVE~!, albeit a shit one. It's been a while since I've seen it TBH.

Can't really say much more than this, but I feel that Mewes was the one who stole the show. The "that's good coffee!" line had me in tears.

As did the entirity of the "cream" scene, as much as I dislike Apatow he has introduced me to Seth Rogan so for that I'm greatful.

Today I watched The Bridge To Terabithia. Very disappointing. The first hour or so is a load of disjointed, directionless examples of the children's imagination, then

Really didn't deserve the praise the DVD sleeve claims it got.

I ran out of Alias to watch, so I'm back off the wagon...






What Happens in Vegas

Cameron Diaz (played by Hulk Hogan) and Ashton Kutcher (Jim Carrey) are two people from DIFFERENT WORLDS, but who also suffer from SIMILAR LEVELS OF DISCONTENT. I know how this movie ends. Ashton is a batchelor who isn't about commitment and has a manual job and even has a black friend at his workplace. That's how down to earth he is. Cameron wants to get married and works in one of those BUY BUY BUY SELL SELL SELL WAFFUULLS WAFFUUULS stressy jobs on Wall Street. She wants to get married. DIFFERENT WORLDS, see?

Cameron Diaz (played in this scene by Joanna Lumley)




gets dumped by her fiancé. He's a fundamentally unlikeable douchebag, naturally. No redeeming qualities at all are presented in the movie, yet she was still engaged to him. More fool her. She's all like "I never felt like I was good enough for him". Ashton gets fired from his down to earth wood cutting job by his own father and is all like "Nothing I do is ever good enough for him". Wait, I see some kind of parallell emerging here. I am now gripped.

So they each get drunk (still living in their DIFFERENT WORLDS), and decide to go to Vegaaaaaaaas, and announce this fact by shouting Vegaaaaaaas and saying "Vegas" many many many times in a montage that makes me wish death upon them. They end up in DIFFERENT WORLDS, I mean, erm, the same hotel room. Oh yeah, they've each brought along their best friends. There is nothing fun or interesting about these characters at all. The ridiculously named Lake Bell, who plays Hogan's best pal, is more attractive than an increasingly haggard looking Diaz.

By this point in the story, Kutcher has over-acted like Jim Carrey on LSD on approximately 32 occasions. He acts this whole film like he's presenting an episode of Punk'd, and we all know how obnoxious that is. He's very pretty though, so he's got that going for him I guess.

Anyway yeah, they're in the same room. Kutcher's best friend opens a door to find Diaz and her friend semi-nude, with Diaz in the shower (in full make-up. She also sleeps with crazy amounts of orange make-up on. Gross). A high-larious fight ensues with lots of very forced screaming and no comedy value whatsoever. On the plus side, Lake Bell is semi-nude. That might be the movie's only plus side. We'll see. They go and sort this out in the lobby and get upgraded to Penthouse suites and also get VIP passes to all the Vegas nightspots.

Bizarrely, Kutcher then psycho-analyses Diaz into hanging out with him and his loser friend. If someone I'd just met started trying to pinpoint my hang-ups and uase them against me, I wouldn't agree to be buddiez with them just because they happened to get it right. In fact, it'd probably be worse if they got it right. Oh well. Anyway, whacky night ensues and they get drunk and they connect with each other and tell each other everything and.. UH OH!!!!!! THEY ACCIDENTALLY GET MARRIED!!! All these years Vegas has been famed for quickie weddings, I can't believe no one has yet utilised the drunken Vegas Wedding in a film or TV show and harnessed its potential comedic outcomes.

That's a lot of text, here are some pictures to bring some variety. They're not relevant to the review, just thought they'd be nice.






Anyway, yeah, standard fare so far. Then there's a swerve. Ashton steals a quarter off Cameron, puts it in a slot machine and wins three million dollars. He tries to make off with the cheque, when Cameron shamelessly uses their accidental marriage to try and claim a share of it. This is all preposterous. They go to court, where a ridiculous hard-ass judge character sentences them to six months of hard marriage, freezing the money until they can agree to work on the marriage. Wait, what? Yeah, that's actually the premise. Seriously, what? Sentenced to six months of marriage? Freezing their money? What? Oh yeah, they also have to attend weekly marriage counselling to prove that they're working on it. See, the judge's angle is that these quickie divorces are ruining the sanctity of marriage (worse than the gays. He actually says that by the way.). How forcing an accidentally wed couple to stay together is protecting the sanctity of marriage is beyond me. Surely it's enforcing a sham. I hate this idea and all it stands for. All we need now is for their marriage counsellor to be some fat ass wise-cracking goon with attitude.

Christ, the only thing this mess is missing is Queen Lati...fuck.

Anywho, they move in together and an odd couple scenario ensues. Toilet seat up, he's untidy and disgusting, yadda yadda yadda. All very creative. They are mean to each other, this is mildly amusing at times. Is that another plus side? I guess it is. You know the rest. They warm to each other, all is happy, Cameron finds out about something and storms off. Ashton is all "I KNOW WHERE TO FIND HER". He finds her, they agree to stay married and then they kiss. They really do go with stock rom-com ending number 1. She even has a melodramatic "happy place" which is the only place she ever felt happy. And only Ashton knows about it because she showed him a picture. Ugh. Also Ashton's dad is proud of him now. Yay!

The only genuinely funny joke is their best friends providing a service whereby they go to the homes of selected targets, knock, then punch them in the groin when they answer the door. When asked "WHY???" they simply say "You know why" and leave. Them doing this on various people for 90 minutes would have been infinitely better than the film.

Oh no wait, the funniest bit is the repeated use of gambling metaphors. "I'd bet on you Jack", and "You bet on me, and taught me to bet on myself!". Ashton is nearly crying when he delivers the second one. In your face Chucklez's made for TV movies. She taught him to bet on himself Chucklez. Beat that. I dares you.

7 stars.

Coming up next... 27 Dresses. Watch this space.

Best line of the film for me was "So you guys suck each others dick?". The whole movie is just a dead panathon, I love it. Plus, nudity~. Always great in a film.

Well, that's pretty much the greatest movie review I've ever read.

Zack and Miri Make A Porno

I liked it...but...it still felt too much in the vain of Jersey Girl, with just the odd Kevin Smith of old thrown in to make it more edgy. I know its too much too ask for something like Mallrats or Vulgar, but I guess the guy has just mellowed out and doesnt care for the indy crowd that bought into Drawing Flies and Clerks anymore (and hey, with the cash hes making, why should he!)

About to watch Tropic Thunder now, will be interested to see how the fun looking trailers equate to a good constantly funny film...

I think Kev's just trying to distance himself and prove he can work outside the View Askeewniverse and still be successful.

But yeah, I'd like another Mallrats or Chasing Amy tbh.

Oh, please dont get me wrong, I know the guys gotta move along, and fuck knows, theres enough pieces of Viewaskew goodness just sitting in my DVD collection, , all I'm saying is, the only bits that I really laughed at in ZAMMAP (hehe) were the first half of the film, the closest to say the direction of Mallrats after that it went into mushy and soppy direction. It was great to see Mewes in great health though! Another thing Jay and Silent Bob have been done to death, Strike Back was the final nail in their coffin, Clerks 2 was it getting lowered into the ground, all I asking is Smith tries and retains the same style of his first few films but without those guys.

Or maybe thats just not in him.

It probably isn't. Think of the line in Strikes Back, 'You gotta grow'. Not only creatively but he's obviously growing up and there'd be a lot of changes in that. Professionally I don't think anyone would want to be seen as a one trick pony, he maybe wants to make his movies more successful than the Askewniverse was and the RomCom formats the way to go.

I haven't seen the film yet though, so I can't judge on that...

The big fat ass just need to get back to working on comics, some of the best Clerks stuff was in the comics, that added more history to the Viewaskew Universe.

For any Kevin Smith fans, you really need to catch Vulgar, its the story of the clown in the Viewaskew logo.

...and hey, the Viewaskew shop was a cool place to visit

Smith has gotten so awful that I'm ashamed to say I used to be a fan.

I felt like that around the release and viewing of Clerks 2. Jersey Girl was bad,filth,crap. Now granted I thought for the first half of Zack and Miri... that it was at least a half decent return to his old standards, but still making the commercial films he wants to make now (end of the day, I guess the guy has to pay the bills, and have so much more left over than the rest of us) As I said, I really didnt mind Zack and Miri, I liked it, didnt pay for it, had a few drinks while watching it with the missus and had a decent night in.

But any old Kevin Smith fan that says they can no longer enjoy his work, I fully understand where they come from. Still remember the Kevin Smith marathons we used too have, I think that idea would be laughed out now if any of us mentioned that.

Tropic Thunder

Turns out the trailer I mentioned before I watch it...turned out to have all the best bits in it, hate films like this. Very lacklustre film, that probably only appeals to the people that dont want to be challenged or want some stupid scene to go on, and on, and onnnnn about.

Pineapple Express is next.

See, I thought that the trailer made the film look like a pile of arse. Granted I can't abide the bargain bin version of Chris Farley that is Jack Black, and I think Ben Stiller's a one trick pony, but even so it looked weak.

Oddly enough, I watched it for the first time in about 3 years on Monday. My girlfriend popped it on and ten minutes into it asked what it was about.

Not telling her and watching her reaction to that scene was a great thing.

Its a great little film, and one that is seriously overlooked in regards to Kevin Smith films.

Just as long as people dont start buying Drawing Flies to discover older Kevin Smith films

I got Vulgar and Drawing Flies way back after I first saw Dogma and was thinking Smith and Jason Lee could do no wrong.

Fast forward to after seeing An Evening With Kevin Smith 2 and Clerks 2 and I'm almost at the same embarrassed stage that Mr Seven is at.
Having said that, the reviews saying ZAMMAP is more of a cross between older Smith and recent Apatow, I have pretty high expectations for it and a mate who has just seen An Evening With Kevin Smith 3 says it is excellent, almost as good as the first one.

So maybe he's getting back on track.

I think everything he's done since the original Clerks is a case of diminishing returns. Mallrats was a bad tribute to 80s teen films, "Chasing Amy" was rubbish and predictable, "Dogma"...well, it had an interesting idea but was boring, accepted religion way too readily and more importantly not funny. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was the best thing he'd done since Clerks, but even that was a fairly pale imitation.

I think, with Clerks, what would've happened if Smith had been allowed to keep his original ending - where Dante gets shot. I can't help but think it'd have been lost in the shuffle of other indie films being made around the same time - one or two people on forums like this would mention it from time to time and wonder what he was up to, but his original idea ruined the ending of "Clerks" and would have probably sabotaged his career. I think him since then has been a case of no-one being around to tell him some of his ideas are rubbish.

Urgh. Russell Brand is remaking "Arthur". Original film is absolutely tremendous, and the soundtrack is great too..

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7764818.stm

"Arthur 2" however is one of the worst films of all time IMO.

Well I guess he couldn't do Alfie so Arthur was the next logical choice.

Masters of the Universe

Was on ITV4 Last night. Thought it was pretty cool. Had never seen a Dolph Lundgren film other than Rocky IV. Anyone reccomend other good Dolph films?

Universal Soldier fucking rules, and he is a badass in it.

ahmen

"i'm all ears"
------------------------------
There's an indy film called gutterball, watched it and i was shocked with the content in it, brutal gang rape scene, mass murders, explicit porno scene, penis getting stabbed and chopped off and a few other stupid but funny plotlines.

Red Scorpion
He steals ,Johnny Mneumonic
Dark Angel

and though i havent seen it for years, i didnt think his version of the Punisher was too bad

Is that the movie with the 45 minute gay rape scene?

Is Vulgar any good?!

Just reading the synopsis on wikipedia, and it seems a bit odd...

Last Ten Films

Tropic Thunder 7/10
Second watch, Still fun although Jack Black is wasted.

The Fountain 8/10
Not sure how this recieved so many bad reviews. I went in expecting an overly arty self-indulgent mess. What i recieved was one of the most visually stunning, heartbreaking films with a performance i never thought Hugh Jackman had in him. pretty damn great

Eden Lake 7/10
See "Them" below

Le Serpent 5/10
Average French Drama

Half Baked 4/10
First watch, big Chapelle fan but this was a major let down.

There’s Something About Mary 9/10
25th watch probably.....still awesome

Return Of The Jedi 10/10
You can keep Empire i prefer Jedi everytime, just a shame this was The Lucas Jerk Off Version

Them 5/10
Vastly overated french horror. Should probably have had "The first 5 minutes are better than the rest of the film" written on the box cover. Eden Lake did everything they were trying to do here with added menace and nastiness. Although the Ending was a bit much.

The Waterboy 5/10
Seen before still ok for a Sandler Comedy

The Page Turner 6/10
The french Single White Female(well nearly) starring the lovely Deborah Francois

the weather man - nicolas cage and michael caine are fantastic in this. i found this to be quite moving but also very funny at times.

tartar sauce!